A Day of Immense Joy -- A Day of Immeasurable Sorrow –

My husband died, suddenly, when I was 36 years old. Being widowed this young happens to less than 3% of married people. Writing through this loss one word at a time helps me understand what I have lost and helps me continue to grow. It is how I continually recover from such a profound loss.

I try not to think about him or his death very often because when I do, I feel like I can barely function, still. It is much, much easier to distract myself with day-to-day life rather than dwell on the loss I feel.

Having children, though, makes it a million times harder to ignore how much I miss him. Now that my children are grown and are having the “big” moments in their lives, it makes me long for him even more. It is in those big moments that I feel that loss all over, especially for my children. It is in those times I feel like I cannot breathe; today is one of those times.

Today, my youngest child and his wife had their second child, a son. My husband would have been the most incredible grandfather in the world. Even before we thought about having kids, he would think, dream about his grandchildren. He would have loved his grandchildren more than anyone could love anything, and when I look at our children now, I am just so heartbroken that Joe will never know his grandchildren and they will never know him.

I can try to describe Joe to them and tell them stories about how wonderful Joe was, but at the end of the day, he will always just be the grandfather they never knew — just a man in a picture who looks a lot like an older version of their dad.

I feel this heartbreak even more when I see grandchildren who get to have their grandfathers with them to spoil their grand babies. It is completely irrational and immature and wrong, but I actually still wonder why me, why my children. Why do others get to have their dads shower their kids with gifts and do so many things that my grandchildren will just never know. There are times I just want to throw a childish fit, to scream about how unfair it is. And that is all it is – childish. I know these feelings are not right and I know that these other people have nothing to do with me, my sons, or our situation. I know that some children have fathers who are living but do not care to do anything for or with their grandchildren. There are plenty of worse things that have happened and are happening in the world every day, and at least I have a beautiful children and grandchildren to share my life with, but it does not take away the ache when I see a grandfather with his grandchildren.

So, while today is a bittersweet day, I chose to think of the sweet rather than the bitter in the situation. My sons are the wonderful men they are because of the man their father was. While he may have left this world much to soon, he had a huge influence in the men they have become.

Life is about choices, life is like a road. There are long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight roads. In our life many roads will come our way as we journey through life. There are roads that lead to a life of single blessedness or marriage. There are also roads that lead to fame and fortune on one hand, or isolation and poverty on the other. There are roads to happiness as there are roads to sadness, roads towards victory and jubilation, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment.

You do not really know where a road will lead you until you choose it. There are no guarantees. There are too many possible outcomes, which your really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the choices that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations. Today, I am trying to choose happiness.