Why Suicide?

I have lost a few loved ones to suicide and suicide is complex. I have heard a lot of people say a lot of things. People think that those who commit suicide must be selfish. It is time we stop calling a mental disconnect a personality flaw. Being selfish, in our society, is generally seen as a bad thing. So when you call suicide selfish, you are calling it a bad thing. And it is, but not for the reasons you are implying.

Suicide is bad, it is awful. It is the ending of a life. A living, breathing, thinking, feeling person. It steals loved ones from us. Let it be stated that I am not, in any way, trying to lessen the pain of those who have lost someone to suicide. Death, losing someone, is horrendous and emotional and sad, no matter what the cause. But we have got to stop calling someone who commits suicide selfish. Someone who ends their life is going through a mental struggle we should feel blessed and lucky to not understand.

To not be in a suicidal mindset, to be healthy mentally, is something most of us take for granted. Suicide is not something that simply happens. Suicide is a result of someone being so lost that they think ending their life is the only option. It is not something someone decides to do one day. It is something that happens when someone loses a long, seemingly endless, internal battle.

Suicide is not a selfish act. It’s not for attention. It is for relief. Someone who commits suicide, who goes all in for an act that takes it all away, is looking for a way to feel better.

Suicide does not happen to selfish people, it happens to mentally unhealthy ones. We cannot keep calling something that people have no control over selfish. It is selfish of us to tell them “feel better” or “just be happy.” Because when you say those things, you are not thinking of the person you are saying them too; you are thinking of yourself. You want them to get better but you are not thinking about how difficult that may be for them. Being mentally unhealthy is not something you can just get over and being depressed is not something you can just stop being. Depression is a chemical imbalance and sometimes it knocks you down before you can catch yourself. And sometimes the push it gives you is too forceful to pull yourself back up from.

Suicide is not selfish. It is sad, yes, but not selfish. It is selfish of those left behind to try to make light of the deceased’s situation. At the point when someone is suicidal, they are not thinking about other people, but they are not thinking about themselves either. (Which, by definition, rules out their SELFishness.) They are lost, confused, and consumed by a dark feeling that takes away their ability to truly think about the world around them. They get swept up in a bad place and, sometimes, unfortunately, cannot find their way out.

It is hard to understand how someone could take their life, I get it. I have been there. Losing someone to suicide is not easy and you just want answers. But we have to rejoice in the fact that we cannot answer the “why” question ourselves. Because, if we could, we would be in that same, terrible place our loved one was. We would understand what it is like to think suicide is the only option. We would also realize that it is not selfish. But I truly hope that you never understand those emotions and realize the confusion behind them.

We, the people left behind, can feel upset and sad and mad and all other types of emotions. But we have got to stop trivializing suicide and simply writing it off as selfish. It is so much more than that and the feelings run so much deeper than that.

So next time you hear someone call suicide selfish, I urge you to tell them to think twice. Tell them they are lucky to not be able to understand it. Lucky to be able to think of it as selfish, not as necessary, or the only option. Lucky to not be fighting -and maybe losing- a battle. Lucky to be here and be alive.

The chaplain at the Memorial Service that North Marion held for Travis did a great job and he suggested there were three things we must do to heal from Travis' suicide:

1. We must accept what we cannot change.
2. We must become a community that cares even more for one another.
3. We must carry Travis forward from this place.

He talked about every time we see a penny lying on the ground how we should stop and pick it up. In this way, we can carry Travis forward in this life until we see him in Heaven. For me, I made this bank and will collect my pennies until the bank is full and then make a donation to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Travis's name.

We never know what others are going through, what their life looks like behind closed doors, so remember to show kindness and grace.

Everybody processes loss differently and for those who loved Travis, these three things will look quite different for each person, but that's okay. Just make sure you are moving through them at your pace.