Out of the Darkness

What does hope look like? Well, on September 28, 2019, it looked like two thousand people gathered in front of the Salem Capitol for the Out of the Darkness event to advocate for suicide prevention and awareness in Memorium for their children, siblings, spouses, military, family members, and some just because they cared.

Kylie Johnston, a 14-year-old student, was one of the two speakers who shared her story in losing her father to suicide when she was only 10 years old.

"Four years ago, I lost my dad to suicide. When I was 10, I spoke at the Out of The Darkness Walk in Portland. I have spoken at two other survivor walks and have spoken to students at Lucina Park College. I have also been interviewed for a few trusted articles about suicide. When I lost my dad, I was still going to school, it was my 4th grade year. When I first found out my dad had taken his own life, I never told anyone until my 5th grade year. Now, I am in 7th grade and, as I grieve and accept my dad’s suicide, I have to deal with the stigma of suicide that still sticks in society. I had many people say that I make these speeches or even talk about losing my dad for attention but, believe it or not, I make these speeches to spread the word about suicide and the outcome so that everyone knows, especially those who are struggling with thier mental health, so that they know they are not alone and that someone cares. I never thought it would hurt to lose someone more. My dad’s suicide left me feeling guilty and angry because I did not see the signs. If anyone here today is thinking about ending their life, the people in your life care. They may seem like they do not, but it will only leave your loved ones with a hole in their heart; there are resources to help you. I encourage anyone who may be personally struggling or dealing with losing someone to suicide to start counseling if they haven’t already. If it was not for counseling, I do not believe I would be where I am today. You can believe you were not affected and you can say you are okay, but "it's okay to not be okay." We all go through different grief journeys, but you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. My dad and I had a rocky relationship, he was loud but deep down he was a kind, creative, smart and strong person. In his final months, he would always tell my brother and I that he was fighting the fight. How he felt alone, and how he was still struggling with my parent’s divorce. He would always deny that he needed help, which is why I want you all to know that mental health is a battle worth fighting. I want you all to know that you can talk to myself, the wonderful volunteers, or someone who is standing beside you. You choose to share stories, help each other through different stages of grief."

Everyone at the walk had beads of different colors that symbolized their loved ones that they had lost to suicide. Towards the end of the opening ceremony, we all took off our beads and raised them up in the air. We took a collective moment to recognize and honor those we had lost. Wow, how powerful that was as we honored each color. As we looked around and saw 2000 others there doing the same, you really knew that you were not alone. We were banding together to help each other through losses that were already hard to deal with and, soon, we were going to march through the streets around the Capitol to make our message loud and proud, helping all there to realize they were NOT alone.

Each person there today walked for their own reasons, because learning to feel like you matter is so, so hard, but you do matter. Some days it takes two thousand people all holding little colored beads silently with you to realize this.

For the last two years, I have painted inspirational rocks to "hide" for the walk. I go down the night before and walk the mile route and hide the rocks. As I am walking and hiding the rocks, I am also praying for those who will be attending the event as well as those who will find the rocks.

Well, the kindness of people at times never ceases to surprise me. Saturday morning as I was standing with my Trek for Travis sign waiting for the team to gather, a young lady I had never met before approached me and handed me a rock. She proceeded to tell me that she knew Travis from Scotts Mills, and she wanted me to have a rock. She "rocked" my day, thank you!

God truly does work in mysterious ways. As if one heart-warming event wasn't enough I was about to be struck with another. A woman came up to me and told me that her daughter was the young lady who sang at Travis' memorial service at North Marion. I remember the song, as well as the young lady. I had seen pictures of her

and Travis together. The woman also told me that she had registered for the walk and came alone because she felt called to attend the walk. Of course, I invited her to walk with our team. Nobody should walk alone. God is SO good. Monica, I hope you were as blessed as I was by that day.

I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I hugged, and I walked. We walked in remembrance of our loved ones along with ending the stigma that suicide brings. We care, I care. This will be a continual thing I do and support as it touches my life in so many ways. We must stand together. We often hear "it's okay to not be okay," we all have our own struggles and sometimes it is hard for us to admit that, but help is out there. I am here for you...I care!