Our memories of the labyrinth will linger long after our footprints in the sand are gone.

I had the chance to go to Circles in the Sand with Dawn and Fran last weekend. If you get the chance to go, I highly recommend it. Labor Day weekend is there last "draw" this year, but they will be doing it again next summer. Check it out at https://expo.oregonlive.com/life-and-culture/g66l-2019/01/7bc92e8b7f336/circles-in-the-sand-releases-sand-labyrinth-schedule-for-2019.html

A labyrinth is not a maze or a puzzle to be solved but a path of meaning to be experienced. Its path is circular and convoluted, but it has no dead ends. A labyrinth has one entrance -- one way in and one way out. When we walk the path, we go around short curves and long curves; sometimes we are out on the edge, sometimes we circle around the center. We are never really lost, but we can never quite see where we are going...kind of like life wouldn't you say?

Along the path we sometimes move forward with ease and confidence: sometimes we creep ahead cautiously, sometimes we find the need to stop and reflect, and sometimes we even feel the urge to retreat. The center is there but our path takes us through countless twists and turns. Sometimes we are at the heart of our life experiences, sometimes we are at a playful turn; sometimes we share our path with others, and other times we don't. No matter what, we are still on the labyrinth path. It holds all our experiences, in life and in work. We need to be aware that what looks like an end point can also be a beginning point. Indeed, in so many ways, the labyrinth is like life.

The labyrinth can be a metaphor for what is sacred in our lives. Through its twists and turns, its ancient spaciousness holds everything we experience -- our minds and emotions, our physical beings and our spirits, our losses and gains, our successes and failures, our joys and sorrows. When we walk the path inward, we carry our burdens with us. When we meditate or pray in the center, we ask for grace, forgiveness, and understanding. When we walk the path outward, we are lighter, more joyful, and ready again to take on our life's challenges.

The labyrinth that is my life has taken me through many twists and turns. Yet it is my deep belief in God that has steadily inspired me, leading me deeper into my life path, deeper into authentic meaning. When I explore the meaning of my life, with all of the design features of classic labyrinths that I've noted above, I deepen my experience of life. We don’t get straight paths in life – only winding roads that never show us the final destination and that keeps taking us to places we don’t expect to go.

31,536,000 seconds; 525,600 minutes; 8,760 hours, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,409,600 breaths since Travis left this earth...

This is a blanket I made in honor of Travis -


Death is such a waste. Especially when it comes swooping in at such a young age. Travis didn’t live to see the legacy of brokenness he left behind. All the hope of what could have been.

I have been sad, but I have also been angry. The rage that boils over with my tears is raw and rough and real. Most of the time, I try hard to hide it. I don’t want to share it, and anyway, what difference would it make? How could most possibly understand? But there are people who understand. Those who try, despite their distance from a tragedy like this, to get inside my head, to walk inside my heart and love it’s darker corners without judgment. And there are those who understand because they’ve been in my shoes, cried my tears, and buried a loved one full of self-inflicted battle scars. I share my story for them. For the others like me who have lost a loved one to suicide. I share it for you, dear reader, who feel the strangeness of these tragedies we’ve been forced to live through. To live with. And for those who will live through it.

Suicide is not like other deaths. It’s as sudden like a car crash or a heart attack…and it’s grueling as a battle with cancer. It leaves you bleeding with doubts like stab wounds that, sure, prayer and time can suture…but they still leave scars. You grieve even the fact that you can’t grieve like other people, who at least have the right to be angry at cancer, or the car crash, not the corpse.

 

I’m finding healing and a certain modicum of peace with God. And you–daughter, son, mother, father, the friend of a suicide victim–you are not alone, either. I know you have questions plaguing you in the dark, because they were mine, too. When you don’t know if your tears are sorrowful or just plain bitter, I know it doesn’t really matter, because either way, they need to fall. I do not believe it is selfish; it’s a step. A step on the road you were forced to step onto through no fault of your own. Because IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. AND. IT'S. NOT. YOUR. LOVED. ONE'S. Even if it feels that way sometimes (and it's okay to feel that way sometimes). Remember to be kind to yourself and to others. Life is short. Tell those that you love that you love them. If you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE tell someone. You may think people don't care, but suicide is devasting to those who are left behind. Remember They Mattered and You Matter!


Thank you to those who have gone before me, who has lit the path for me. For those yet to come, look for those in front of you, they are there to help guide you on this journey.


We are not the first family to lose a loved one to suicide, and sadly, we will NOT be the last. The numbers seem to grow year by year. We all miss our family and friends lost, and there is a sort of cold comfort in that, in knowing we are not alone.

 

Some years I make goals and some years I don't. I have come to realize that, for me, I need to make goals. Some years it may be only one and other years it may be more. When I stop to set goals and think about what I want, I break out of auto-pilot and start living a life of conscious choices. Instead of letting others tell me what to do, I proactively take charge and think about what I want for myself.
 
I know that what gets measured, gets improved. If I don’t set specific targets and milestones, how are things going to improve? There is literally nothing to work toward, and even though I may be working hard, my hard work may not translate into anything. As the popular saying goes, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” When I set goals, I am aiming for the moon. My goals propel me to take more action than I would have otherwise.
When I set goals, I think ahead, after which I can create my action plan. Even if things don’t go according to plan, that’s okay as I can review, adjust my plans, and then steer my life toward my vision.

Having goals makes me accountable. Rather than just talk, I am now obligated to act. This accountability is accountability to myself, not anyone else. No one knows the goals I you set (well, you will in a moment because I am about to spill the beans). People don’t stand to gain even if I achieve my goals. By setting specific targets, I can easily see if I am on track, and if not, what to do about them.

When I set goals, I connect yourself with my innermost desires. They help motivate me and give me something to strive for. This is especially powerful if I'm not in a good place in life at the moment — my goals help remind me of the things I love, to redirect my focus away from the negative obstacles, and to reconnect me with my innermost desires.

To quote Henry Ford, “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” When I'm feeling negative and down, it’s often because I feel I have nothing worth looking forward to. My goals are the rainbow to strive for, to push me out of the storm.

Goals help me achieve my highest potential. Without goals, I default to a routine of activities that keep me feeling safe and comfy each day. But this familiarity is the nemesis of growth. It prevents me from growing. It denies me from tapping into my infinite potential.

By setting goals, I strive forward. These targets make me venture into new places and new situations that put me into growth mode. They make me stretch beyond my normal self and reach new heights. So, here are my 9 in 2019 –

1. Chose, define, and live by a word for the year: Intentional
   
2. Join a photo challenge
   
3. Work on finishing unfinished projects
   
4. Keep a journal
   
5. Smartphone detox
   
6. Lose __ pounds
   
7. Schedule more ME time
   
8. Create more experiences
   
9. Decrease social media time and spend more time with people and doing other things
   
   Did you set any goals? If so, I'd love to hear about them.
   

Out of the Darkness

AFSP has set a goal to reduce the annual suicide rate by 20 percent by 2025. The Out of the Darkness Walk aims to raise awareness and funds that will help research, create educational programs, advocate for public policy, and support survivors of suicide loss. 

AFSP also reaches out to the community through educational programs in three main areas aimed at different audiences. The high school program called More than Sad has three prongs. The first aims to train educators on the different kinds of mental illness and what it looks like. The second, aimed at students, focuses on mental health and gives kids help with ideal conflict resolution and ideal coping mechanisms. A parent program focuses on suicide prevention. When needed, AFSP can provide "post-vention" kits for schools in the wake of a suicide of a student. For college-aged participants, a program called It's Real involves an AFSP volunteer or mental health professional meeting with local college groups about mental health with discussion, a DVD viewing and a pizza party. A general program called Talk Saves Lives informs the public about the scope of suicide and provides information on warning signs and what to do in a crisis. All of these programs are provided free of charge. 
 

The Salem walk on 10/13/2018 had 1500 walkers on 185 teams, of which our team had 46 registered walkers (of which probably 10 didn't show up but that was still a great team so THANK YOU!), which raised $65,000 (our team raised $1745.00) to date. I say that because AFSP will take donations that will count for these totals until the end of the year.

Prior to the walk, the organizers held an “honor bead” ceremony asking those of us in attendance to hold up the beads we had collected earlier in the morning. Each color was given its own moment of honor. Red represents the loss of a spouse or partner; white is for a child; gold is a parent; orange is a sibling; purple is a relative or friend; silver, first responder/military; green is for a personal struggle; blue is for supporting the cause; and teal for friends and family of someone who struggles. This ceremony was powerful and even now, almost a week later, I get goosebumps and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

The Out of the Darkness walks are an important way to not only increase community awareness about suicide, but also to gather those affected by suicide. Many of the participants are family members or friends of victims, 10 to 20 percent are mental health practitioners and others are people with "lived experiences" who have made attempts at suicide themselves. It is my hope that walking with family and friends who knew Travis will bring more education to help lessen the stigma of suicide. We walked to raise money, to raise awareness, and to bring people together who have been affected by suicide. You don't have to raise money to participate. The purpose is to be a part of the group because suicide can be a very isolating experience. Unfortunately, most of the people who do participate have already lost someone to suicide. Many of the other people know someone who is struggling, or they are struggling themselves with mental health.

It's comforting to know that you're not walking alone, whether it be in remembrance of someone you lost, or maybe you struggle personally, just to see that group of people come together, we're all there to support the same cause. That is what is important, and it's comforting to know they're not alone in your loss, and you're not alone in your personal struggle. We were there to share our struggle as well as our support.

After the walk, as I was standing in the center of Capitol Park as the walkers were wandering around, I wondered how this event might affect the many there. Something that struck me was the kiddos who were there with their families taking part in an extraordinarily public way to change the conversation around suicide. Kids who were much younger than I when I first learned what suicide was. Kids who will grow up knowing it is okay to talk about suicide and mental health, and know they are problems to be faced, not feared. I hope that we can learn to listen without judgment. Listen without waiting to talk. Listen without fear. It is a monumental request to make of even our closet friends and family, but it can start so simply. Take time to be with them. If they need to, they will talk, then all you have to do is listen.

There are times in life where the words, “Thank you,” are so insufficient in their ability to convey the level of gratitude you have for someone or a group of people based on what they have done for you. Today is one of those days. I am truly touched by the amount of people who made last Saturday possible: those who prayed for this day, those who donated in my name to AFSP, those who donated in Travis' name, those who donated anonymously, and those who walked with me. The unbelievable amount of support that each of you have shared during this time with me my family has touched me

beyond words, and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. I truly cannot put my gratitude into words.

Why Suicide?

I have lost a few loved ones to suicide and suicide is complex. I have heard a lot of people say a lot of things. People think that those who commit suicide must be selfish. It is time we stop calling a mental disconnect a personality flaw. Being selfish, in our society, is generally seen as a bad thing. So when you call suicide selfish, you are calling it a bad thing. And it is, but not for the reasons you are implying.

Suicide is bad, it is awful. It is the ending of a life. A living, breathing, thinking, feeling person. It steals loved ones from us. Let it be stated that I am not, in any way, trying to lessen the pain of those who have lost someone to suicide. Death, losing someone, is horrendous and emotional and sad, no matter what the cause. But we have got to stop calling someone who commits suicide selfish. Someone who ends their life is going through a mental struggle we should feel blessed and lucky to not understand.

To not be in a suicidal mindset, to be healthy mentally, is something most of us take for granted. Suicide is not something that simply happens. Suicide is a result of someone being so lost that they think ending their life is the only option. It is not something someone decides to do one day. It is something that happens when someone loses a long, seemingly endless, internal battle.

Suicide is not a selfish act. It’s not for attention. It is for relief. Someone who commits suicide, who goes all in for an act that takes it all away, is looking for a way to feel better.

Suicide does not happen to selfish people, it happens to mentally unhealthy ones. We cannot keep calling something that people have no control over selfish. It is selfish of us to tell them “feel better” or “just be happy.” Because when you say those things, you are not thinking of the person you are saying them too; you are thinking of yourself. You want them to get better but you are not thinking about how difficult that may be for them. Being mentally unhealthy is not something you can just get over and being depressed is not something you can just stop being. Depression is a chemical imbalance and sometimes it knocks you down before you can catch yourself. And sometimes the push it gives you is too forceful to pull yourself back up from.

Suicide is not selfish. It is sad, yes, but not selfish. It is selfish of those left behind to try to make light of the deceased’s situation. At the point when someone is suicidal, they are not thinking about other people, but they are not thinking about themselves either. (Which, by definition, rules out their SELFishness.) They are lost, confused, and consumed by a dark feeling that takes away their ability to truly think about the world around them. They get swept up in a bad place and, sometimes, unfortunately, cannot find their way out.

It is hard to understand how someone could take their life, I get it. I have been there. Losing someone to suicide is not easy and you just want answers. But we have to rejoice in the fact that we cannot answer the “why” question ourselves. Because, if we could, we would be in that same, terrible place our loved one was. We would understand what it is like to think suicide is the only option. We would also realize that it is not selfish. But I truly hope that you never understand those emotions and realize the confusion behind them.

We, the people left behind, can feel upset and sad and mad and all other types of emotions. But we have got to stop trivializing suicide and simply writing it off as selfish. It is so much more than that and the feelings run so much deeper than that.

So next time you hear someone call suicide selfish, I urge you to tell them to think twice. Tell them they are lucky to not be able to understand it. Lucky to be able to think of it as selfish, not as necessary, or the only option. Lucky to not be fighting -and maybe losing- a battle. Lucky to be here and be alive.

The chaplain at the Memorial Service that North Marion held for Travis did a great job and he suggested there were three things we must do to heal from Travis' suicide:

1. We must accept what we cannot change.
2. We must become a community that cares even more for one another.
3. We must carry Travis forward from this place.

He talked about every time we see a penny lying on the ground how we should stop and pick it up. In this way, we can carry Travis forward in this life until we see him in Heaven. For me, I made this bank and will collect my pennies until the bank is full and then make a donation to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Travis's name.

We never know what others are going through, what their life looks like behind closed doors, so remember to show kindness and grace.

Everybody processes loss differently and for those who loved Travis, these three things will look quite different for each person, but that's okay. Just make sure you are moving through them at your pace.

Why Family/Community Is So Much More Than Blood

For the purposes of this blog post, family and community are two words that can be interchanged here. For me, they both carry the same weight in my life.

I have had this post wrote up for a couple of months, fine tuning it, tweaking it. With the events of the past two weeks, this blog post could not be more appropriate for me to post so here goes...

My definition of "family" is not just those you are blood related to. It is those people who love you unconditionally and would do anything for you; it is community. In my 57 years on this earth, I have had many people step into my life that did not have to and who have picked up the pieces when I could not even begin to.

Family is, simply put, so much more than blood. It is intrinsically more complex than just those who share the same genetic pool as you. It is those who support you, those who guide you, and those who are with you through thick and thin. While I did not necessarily choose the people that are now my relatives - life just handed me them along the way - family is what you make of it, however mad and messy it may be. Who can say that they have not just one family, but more like 2.5’s worth to love and support them? At the end of the day, despite it all, I am so very lucky.

Community is made up of the relationships you choose to work on. It is those people who never leave your side, and you will never leave theirs. Cherish your relationships and those special people in your lives. Family is not just made of blood—it is love. Family is not just a person that shares blood or a last name. Community are people that come into your life and stay. Community are people that take time out of their day to be there for you when you need them. Community are people that care for you and love you unconditionally. I am so blessed and grateful that “family” walked into my life.

There are not enough thank you's to be said to make up for everything that this community has done for me. After this time of having community in my life, I never want to know what it would be like to not have community. You welcomed me with open arms the first day we met, and now you are my greatest support system. You have picked me up and made me walk when I thought it was impossible to stand. You have seen me at some of my worst times and stuck by my side and you have walked beside me at my best times. You may not have been with me since the beginning, but I know you will be there until the end. What continues to amaze me every day is that you choose to accept me for who I am, to love me unconditionally. You are not obligated but you do anyway, and that means more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for protecting me, for holding me accountable me when needed, and for giving me advice even if I don't ask for it. Thank you for treating me as your own, without obligation. Thank you for being there when you do not necessarily have to be. Thank you for being in my life.

Just as you have proven time and time again the love you have for me, I hope that I equally show you the same amount of love. I am forever thankful for the amount of love and care that you have shown for me. I pray for the day that I can truly show you the eternal gratefulness I have for you. You have made my life so much better and brighter. I cry a little less, laugh a little more, and love a lot more because of you all. You have been God's gift to me. He knew I would need you all to get through the bumps in the road of life. Whether it is family holidays or Bible Studies or girlfriend outtings, etc.,

thank you for the many memories.

I am blessed to have each of you with me on this journey called life, and I am thankful that you let me be a part of yours. Thank you for everything you have done for me since you have entered my life. Thank you for showing me what it is like to feel important, special, loved, and cherished. Thank you for welcoming me into your life and into your families lives without skipping a beat. I have gained more community than I ever imagined possible. Thank you for proving to me that blood is not always thicker than water.

The Beauty of Nature!

There is a sad reality that some people are able to see the wonders of nature and yet fail to see God through it. I cannot comprehend how one can gaze at the magnificence of the entire Universe yet fail to see God’s fingerprints in all of it. Feeling close to God in nature is something that I have never struggled with. As Romans 1:20, “For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.”

I have always felt close to God through nature. Some of the most deepest and closest encounters I have with God happened while walking through the woods, viewing snow-capped mountains, witnessing the beauty of a sunset by the shore or gazing at the skies on a clear starry night. I have always been overcome with a deep sense of reverence and connection to God whenever I look at the beauty around me. Feeling close to God in nature is just easy for me, I feel surrounded by His love.

This was never more true than last Saturday when I, after less than 4 hours of sleep, got up at 3:45 and drove 3-1/2 hours to just the other side of Boardman. Just before sunrise as I was cresting a hill, God blessed me with the most A-M-A-Z-I-N-G sunrise. I had to pull over and take some pictures. As I again headed toward my destination and was about 5 minutes out, the fog set in was so thick I literally could not see 5 feet in front of my face. Now for those of you truly know me 1) you know I detest driving in the dark and 2) you know that I don't like driving somewhere where I am not familiar, actually, I don't like driving much at all so what the heck was I doing driving 3-1/2 hours one way – the things I do for a picture. I got off of I-84 and barely could see the stand of trees, and as I was having quite the conversation with God stating, “Great, just great, I got less than 4 hours of sleep, just drove 3-1/2 hours, still have to drive 3-1/2 hours back home, the fog is so thick I can barely see my hand in front of my face, what kind of pictures am I going to get?” I found somewhere to park, grabbed my gear, and headed out. As I looked down the path, I realized that fog actually made for kind of a cool, one-of-a-kind shot, kind of like my life, my relationship with Him. I started shooting and as I stopped and took a few seconds to take in the beauty, I saw the sun breaking through the fog and it all took my breath away. I walked thru trees alone just in awe of the beauty of this place, wishing I had come sooner to see it. At one point, I just sat down because I was on sensory overload with the beauty of this place. I kept hearing noises, like somebody was following me, but every time I looked around I never saw anybody. I finally realized I wasn't hearing a person, but it was the leaves falling off the trees that I was hearing. I spent nearly 3 hours taking pictures and before it was all said and done, the sun came out and I got some great shots, both with and without the fog, but I feel neither my words nor my pictures do it justice. I just stood there, amazed by the the beauty of God's creation. How about you? Does you see God’s greatness through his creations?

Psalm 19:1-6 says: “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun, which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.”

The reason that we often feel closer to God in nature is simple. He is the Creator. He made all that you see. He made it stunning and it is all pointing us back to Him. Nature “declares the glory of God.” Nature “proclaims the work of his hands.” Nature “pours forth speech.”

You feel close to God in nature because He is speaking to you and He is telling you about himself.

Nature reveals the glorious beauty of the one who imagined it all.
Nature reveals the power behind the storm.
Nature reveals the brilliance of the one who designed every system of every living thing.
Nature reveals the endless creativity of the Lord.
Nature reveals the generosity of the creator who even fills the unseen depths of the sea with remarkable diversity.

It all speaks and when you are in the midst of it, you feel close to God because he is helping you to get to know him and love him. Exploring nature may not be a traditional spiritual discipline, but it is essential.

Get out and soak it in. Let the beauty of it fill your heart and bring you to worship.


God is shouting “I am glorious!” Listen for him

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