To date or not to date that is the question...

The death of a spouse presents challenges that the death of a relationship does not, although both have the same result – you are left alone. When you are still in love with your husband or wife, but that person is no longer there, you need to figure out how to eventually move on. You may feel anxiety about starting a new relationship, being intimate again, or losing the memory of your spouse.

Aside from the emotional issues that come with letting go and moving on, I believe it is common to experience some anxiety over dating again after what may be many years of being coupled. It is normal to worry that you will not know how to meet a new partner or that you will not know how to act on a date. This feeling is magnified if it has been years or decades since you have dated.

Dating is defined as a social or romantic appointment or social engagement. I personally have not 'dated' since the 70s, and I am not sure that would even be called dating since I was a teenager and I was married when I was 19. I definitely have never dated as an adult, and I can promise you I have never ever been on a blind date. Well, all that changed last night. I went on my first adult/blind date. Yep, you are reading this right, I went on a blind date.

Remember that very first date? Sweaty palms. Awkward conversation. You probably even had a curfew. Once you hit 50, at least the curfew is gone, but in research I found only 18% of single people in their 50s say they were dating. More than 40% say they are considering it, but not actually doing it. As to the “why” behind the lack of date nights, nearly 60% say they do not need a relationship to be happy. That is true whether you are 16 or 56, but more than 40% do not believe there is anyone “out there” to date. More than 30% do not even know where to begin and nearly 30% say they find it too stressful (think back to those sweaty palms and awkward conversations.) For more than 40%, other priorities are simply more important, and nearly one-quarter say it is just too difficult to date when you are 50-plus. On the positive side, the 50-plus daters seem to be pretty darn smart when choosing a date mate. In fact, nearly 60% say they make better decisions about compatibility now compared to when they were younger.

Most people want to find a friend or a life partner, and to meet the dates who may fulfill this desire, many 50-somethings, about 80%, do it the old-fashioned way – through friends or family. That is how my blind date was born, mutual friends.

I forgot what it was like to be excited and nervous at the same time at the thought of meeting somebody and going on a date. I had a little more than a week to think about meeting a gentleman, dating, how to behave, what to talk about, would he like me, would I like him, etc., things I have not done in my adult life. There did come a point in that week and a half though that I realized that I am a good person, a fun person, an interesting person and if my blind date did not like me, that did not diminish any of who I am nor did it reflect badly on him. I need to remember, even if he is not Mr. I Love You, there is something valuable to learn from this date and any future dating.

Life in my 50s has been complicated. Apparently, everybody aged 18 to 88 is looking for a hookup, but I am just not in a hookup kind of place. I guess I am holding out for the real meal deal — somebody worthwhile, maybe even age appropriate who has got a few battle scars of their own. Somebody who appreciates my age because we would have a common base of things to relate to, talk about, laugh at, or commiserate over. When you date someone your own age, very little gets lost in translation.

I want to be happy. I do not have to be married for that to happen. I am not sure I want to marry again, but I am sure that marriage does not bring happiness unless you wait for the right person and/or the right time. I equate happiness with: my relationship with Jesus, my children, my family, my career/job, fun, and surrounding myself with people I love and enjoy, whether that involves romantic love or not. I do think I am ready to date again though.

I will TRY to have a good attitude, make peace with myself, and let go of fear and grief, any maybe midlife dating will not be so bad after all.