Ronnie D. St. Germaine 1-30-62/8-30-17

Some of the people we love die before we do, and we have to watch them go to their grave.  And for all that we can see, they never professed faith in Christ. 
 
I don't know finally and decisively where Ronnie is, I don't know if Ronnie knew the gospel, but I do know he had godly people who prayed for him. Maybe in the eleventh hour, alone in his boathouse before he died, he cried to the Lord, such like the rock that I found on the beach, Romans 10:13-for “Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.” Don't grow weary in praying! Keep knocking at the door! Keep going to the judge! Don't give up! Keep on praying and believe that God will work His good will in the lives of the ones you love. 
 

I disagree 100 percent with the statement “time makes it easier.” I believe wholeheartedly that time makes it different. We learn how to live without our loved one. We stumble and find our way to move forward, knowing they are always present, always at the forefront of our mind and heart. We find a way every day to not be upset that they're not here anymore, but instead to look at how blessed we were to share our lives with them. How much joy and love they brought us. How many life lessons we shared. No matter how old we are, no matter how many we have lost, the loss of a loved one never gets easier. It will only continue to change.

It doesn't matter if they were sick, it doesn't matter if it was sudden, it still hurts. Some losses are harder than others and I'm not going to lie, this one has been hard because Ronnie was my younger brother. He had a hard life. Without going into too much detail, we never knew our biological father, we were abandoned by our biological mother when we were young, and Ronnie began drinking as a young adolescent. His demons ran deep and he, for whatever reason, just couldn't seem to beat them. He fought his entire life to be unconditionally accepted. I always knew my brother would die a premature death, but I held onto hope that he would find God, would find hope, would find that peace that seemed to elude him.
 
I am not disillusioned and know my brother's faults all to well, but no one knows what happens in those last moments when we are alone and dying. I hold onto hope that my brother repented his sins and received Christ as his Lord and Savior in that moment.

When our life is over on this earth our family and friends will gather to celebrate our life in some fashion, if we are lucky. At least our family should. Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones. You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. Today, I learned a hard, sad lesson even at my 57 years...not everybody in my family shares the same family values, and that comes as quite a shock to me. I have always told my boys that even if family isn't there for the day to day stuff, they will be there for the “hard” stuff.  Today, I found out how wrong I was. Today, my rose-colored glasses got a little less rose colored.

Today I learned: 

1.  I can't let anyone else's behavior change who I am. I will be dignified. I will be kind. I won't let anyone reduce the best of me.

2.  l try and accept what is. One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the chasm between what we want and what we have. The gap left behind by a family member who hurts us can be immense. Who knows why some people have amazing families and some have families that drain them, but not everything makes sense. Acknowledge what it is, let go of what it isn't, and flourish despite it.

3.  Leave with love. This one is important. If I choose to walk away from family, I won't let my final words be angry ones. Obviously, we never know what the future holds. Even if I'm angry and hurt, death has a way of bringing guilt and regret in the cleanest of relationships and forever is a long time not to have resolution. Anger is one emotion that's never pure. It's always protecting another, more vulnerable one. Tap into that and speak from there. That way, if you walk away, you're much more likely to feel as though nothing has been left unsaid. Just because a relationship is ending, it doesn't mean it has to end angry. You don't want to leave room for regret. Leave it with strength, dignity and love because that's who I am.