35. Surprise, 3/11/11

I am going to be a grandparent! That announcement can come in many different ways. It may come as a phone call, an email, or a surprise visit. You may hear the news at home, in your office, or during dinner in a restaurant. However you receive the news, one thing is certain: Nothing will ever be the same again. Those words, while they represent a very joyous occasion in our family, are also very bittersweet. Those of you who knew Joe, my husband and Josh’s father, knew that he LOVED kids more than life itself. From the time our boys were very young, Joe dreamt of the day we would become grandparents and oh how he longed for that day.

I believe that being a grandmother is an honor which, if you are fortunate, time bestows. Unlike almost every other reward in life, you do not have to work for it, or even deserve it. We may have disagreed over the years about many things - marriage, parenthood, work - but this new factor in our lives always produces the same response, a sort of rejuvenating glow.

A friend of mine recently became a grandmother for the first time while still raising a family of small children. Since she still had children at home she was rather underwhelmed by the event, slightly depressed, in fact. I was rather surprised by her first reaction, but I should have understood. By the time my first grandchildren arrive into this world I will have had a decade of carefree childlessness, have grown used to the empty nest, and am more than ready for a new, exciting factor in my life. I could pursue my own career and travel without worrying about teenagers trashing the house in my absence, but I do miss the day-to-day warmth and involvement of family life.

Old age commands no respect in our society. On the contrary, particularly for women, it is usually regarded as something shameful, to be lied about and disguised as long as possible. Maybe that is why I have resisted the thought of becoming a grandmother (not that I had any choice in the timing). You do not have to do anything to be a grandmother, you just have to be. Grandmotherhood, unlike parenthood, is not a job description, but a state of being, immutable as the sun in the sky. The title "granny" confers a fixed status in the child's universe as the ancestral head of the family. Your age, usually such a handicap in the 21st century, is suddenly an asset. As far as the children are concerned, you are almost as old as time itself, and your age still brings with it the traditional attributes of respect and wisdom, reinforced by fairy tales and storybooks. But the status of being a grandmother is not entirely based on fairytale stereotypes. It also has roots in everyday reality. Small children soon find out that their parents are fallible, that they tell fibs, lose their temper, quarrel from time to time, and do not always have time to give the attention the children may need at a particular moment. A grandmother is usually different. She has time to give her undivided attention, is not in a hurry when the children come round. On the contrary, she is likely to be totally at the children's disposal. She has time to play games, read stories and, most important of all, to listen. If something is troubling the children, particularly something in the parental home, granny is entrusted with the secret.

There is an important, qualitative difference between being a mother and being a grandmother. The latter relationship is wonderfully conflict-free. As far as I am concerned, one of the joys of being a grandmother, apart from the obvious fact that the role is part-time and often optional, will be the lack of stress. Parenthood, like marriage, is hard work, a lifetime's commitment that brings pain as well as joy. Having grandchildren must be like being in love. I know our time together will be brief: the children will grow up, I will die. The very brevity of the relationship adds to its passion. I will see the children's beauty, which will hit me afresh each time, and I will have the privilege of sharing in its pristine innocence. Once my own children gave me that opportunity, but those days are long gone.

As an added bonus I think I will feel closer to my own offspring as they became parents. It is nice to be needed now and then, and to be understood a bit better now that they face the challenges I once had to cope with. Best of all, it is rewarding to be united by a common love, a shared concern.

Nobody looks forward to old age, but the gift of grandchildren brings an unexpected glow, like an Indian summer, to the winter season. The arrival of grandchildren signals the beginning of a new generation in a family. We are growing older and life no longer stretches endlessly ahead of us. If this is the price we pay for the joy of becoming grandparents, it is a bargain. For me, becoming a grandmother is filled with all of these emotions and more. While Joe will not be here to cuddle the babies, to read stories to them, or buy them chocolate bars and send them home to their parents (those of you who knew Joe will understand this), I know that a small part of him will live on in my sons’ children. Congratulations Josh and Sara and thank you for making me a grandmother!

Oh yea, it is TWINS!