I have met so many people in these last 20 years who never knew me as the married woman I once was, as a mother of two teenagers with a husband who was my partner in a life we chose to make together. With the exception of family, most of these people never knew who Joe was.
Losing a spouse, or a child, or a father or mother, or a sibling when you are young, is a loss that shapes your whole world and colors it a shade darker than the life you had before the loss. I want to say something that our death-denying culture makes me feel a little ashamed to say: Even though I can now go for a day, perhaps, without thinking about Joe, I do not know if I will ever make it through a day without thinking about the future I lost when he died. I know I will always feel bad that my sons do not have Joe here with them to be their father. What they are missing by not having him here cannot be counted or measured; it is a vast emptiness where years and years of his amazing love, wisdom, and patience could have been.
Twenty years of memories, graduations, special people, weddings, grandchildren, birthdays...life's events...have come and gone. Grief does not end; however, you do learn how to cope with it ever so slowly, and you will miss that person in your life that is gone forever. I have had 20 years of milestones come and go that I could not share with Joe. He will always be missing. As amazing as all these events in my life have been, they were bittersweet because I was not able to share them with my best friend.
Certain things need an expiration date; milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish…there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away…I get all that, but does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life—6-12 months—and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service. If it was only that simple…
The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise, they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it is easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there is an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.
I have heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who are not grieving believe it, and often those who are, also believe it – this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.
The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain-free place. The reality is they will not be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.
The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss is their “new normal.”
I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you are not doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it is normal, and it is okay.
This is what I know to be true:
Grief IS a life-long journey; an emotional handicap you get up and live with every day. It does not mean you cannot lead a happy life, but it is a choice and it takes work.
The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.
Grief WILL take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot; others talk about it a lot; many seek counseling or join a support group and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.
If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, do not beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is ever so slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. Alternatively, if years after the loss, you cannot bear the mention of your loved one's name, you sleep all day, you are not participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.
Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, does not mean you will not have those tough days or tough moments.
There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That does not have to mean you cannot and will not live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, does not have an expiration date either. Live Your Life. I am not saying you need to move on from grief, but maybe it is time to move forward; there is a difference. Live your life as a tribute to those that are gone. Try to be the best version of yourself. This is very hard when you have lost someone so important. After a while, I found it put my life into better perspective. I was able to distinguish between what was important and what was not. It is still a work in progress that I take day by day.
Losing a spouse, or a child, or a father or mother, or a sibling when you are young, is a loss that shapes your whole world and colors it a shade darker than the life you had before the loss. I want to say something that our death-denying culture makes me feel a little ashamed to say: Even though I can now go for a day, perhaps, without thinking about Joe, I do not know if I will ever make it through a day without thinking about the future I lost when he died. I know I will always feel bad that my sons do not have Joe here with them to be their father. What they are missing by not having him here cannot be counted or measured; it is a vast emptiness where years and years of his amazing love, wisdom, and patience could have been.
Twenty years of memories, graduations, special people, weddings, grandchildren, birthdays...life's events...have come and gone. Grief does not end; however, you do learn how to cope with it ever so slowly, and you will miss that person in your life that is gone forever. I have had 20 years of milestones come and go that I could not share with Joe. He will always be missing. As amazing as all these events in my life have been, they were bittersweet because I was not able to share them with my best friend.
Certain things need an expiration date; milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish…there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away…I get all that, but does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life—6-12 months—and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service. If it was only that simple…
The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise, they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it is easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there is an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.
I have heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who are not grieving believe it, and often those who are, also believe it – this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.
The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain-free place. The reality is they will not be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.
The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss is their “new normal.”
I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you are not doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it is normal, and it is okay.
This is what I know to be true:
Grief IS a life-long journey; an emotional handicap you get up and live with every day. It does not mean you cannot lead a happy life, but it is a choice and it takes work.
The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.
Grief WILL take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot; others talk about it a lot; many seek counseling or join a support group and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.
If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, do not beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is ever so slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. Alternatively, if years after the loss, you cannot bear the mention of your loved one's name, you sleep all day, you are not participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.
Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, does not mean you will not have those tough days or tough moments.
There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That does not have to mean you cannot and will not live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, does not have an expiration date either. Live Your Life. I am not saying you need to move on from grief, but maybe it is time to move forward; there is a difference. Live your life as a tribute to those that are gone. Try to be the best version of yourself. This is very hard when you have lost someone so important. After a while, I found it put my life into better perspective. I was able to distinguish between what was important and what was not. It is still a work in progress that I take day by day.
Everybody’s path in grief is different, so be gentle with yourself. Find what is right for you to get through this tough time. Remember what is important in life and to let go of what is not. Hug your loved ones a little tighter, kiss them one more time. You can never say “I love you” too many times. Life is short. Live your life!
Tina, thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. I have lost both of my parents. Mom died three years ago this July. She missed her husband,my dad, for years. Talked about him often. She lived 28 years without him. She was ready to go home to be with Jesus and dad. Even had dreams of dad and so did my sister, a few months before mom died. Interesting! July 4 is hard day to enjoy the rodeo now since mom died a couple days earlier. But it's all good as we did still go the rodeo that year because we already had tickets. A good way to not grieve so much and had a bit of enjoyment but still a very hard time. I am thankful for the good memories of my loved ones. So thankful for prayers of friends to help us through and God's presence. I can only imagine what you felt when you lost Joe and sorry for your loss. God bless and hugs!
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